The Pile of Shame: Onechanbara-Bikini Samurai Squad
The “pile of shame” is literally a pile of unplayed video games that every true gamer has. We buy games we want to play but then get caught up in something else. Most of us never get back to the pile. Well I’m stopping the cycle and playing through old games before I allow myself to buy new ones.
If you didn’t already know this about me, I tend to be drawn to movies and games that no one else has ever heard of. I’m not entirely sure why that is, I guess sometimes I just like trying to discover hidden gems instead of going with the flow. Unfortunately this game is no gem.
Onechanbara is an ongoing budget line of games in Japan, two of which have been released here in the States. And damned if I know what the hell is going on in the Xbox 360 edition, Bikini Samurai Squad. While there are English subtitles, all the voice acting in the game is Japanese, and each mission is preceded by a loooooong, scrolling wall of text that might as well not even be translated because it never makes a lick of sense. (You can read about the series here on Wikipedia, it’s the best I can do.)
You're just staring at her ass, aren't you?
Basically here’s the deal: you’re a scantily clad zombie killer, and along with your equally inappropriately dressed kid sister, you roam the streets hacking and slashing zombies. Lots of zombies. Literally thousands of zombies in each level. Sometimes you’re on a motorcycle while you’re killing zombies. Sometimes the zombies are dogs or policemen who have grown to twice their normal size. And the zombies always spawn from the ground, no matter if you’re standing on grass or concrete or on the fifth floor of a building. The zombies ALWAYS come from underground. There’s even a scene in a hospital where you’re in a morgue, and instead of the zombies coming from the vaults they’re coming from underground. They’ll just bury you anywhere in Japan, it seems.
Please don’t misunderstand, I’m all for totally over the top absurdity in video games. In one of this game’s cut scenes for example, you’re trapped in the back of an armored car, and you escape by literally slicing the truck in half with your sword and jumping out. I’m okay with that. That’s what made this game bearable, for a brief time.
Graphically the game is all over the place. The cut scenes are decently done CGI (aside from some pretty bad screen tearing), and had the game looked like the cut scenes throughout it would have helped matters. Instead the actual gameplay looks like a pretty Sega Dreamcast game. Unfortunately it also plays like a game from a few console generations ago too.
The main problem is that the gameplay is beyond repetitive. Each level features at least one but sometimes more “zombie arenas”. You reach a certain point where spikes come up from the ground, trapping you inside with hundreds of constantly spawning zombies. To get out of each area you eventually have to destroy a mini-boss zombie, but the game never tells you this. So for the first few levels you could stay inside one of these things for 20-30 minutes wondering if the spawning will ever end. Also, normal attacks aren’t enough to kill these mini-bosses, you have to use combos that have you pressing two buttons on the controller at once. Again though, the game never tells you this, or even that you CAN do this.
But my main question about Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad is this… what the hell is up with Japan? Certain japanese games seem to take being a pervert to a whole new level. For example, boob jiggle. Japanese game developers have almost elevated this particular type of physics-based coding to an art form. What I want to know is if boob jiggle code programming is entry level grunt work or is it something you get promoted to. I’m betting it’s the top job in the programming department. Something you strive for all your life.
Now watch this video, which is the game’s first or second cutscene, and tell me if it doesn’t just creep you out with how pervy it is. In case you can’t guess, it’s NSFW:
Even weirder than that is the “Dress Up” mode in the game, where after unlocking outfits and makeup during the game itself you can dress up your character and have a little hack ‘n’ slash fashion show. I’m sorry, I like skin and all, but video game skin just doesn’t do it for me.
By around level six or so I decided life was just too short and abandoned the game. The story was non-existent, the gameplay repetitive and frustrating, and the way the characters are being displayed was downright embarrassing. And you only score achievements if you either finish the entire game or finish each level on three different difficult levels. Fuck that noise, ain’t happening. Listed it on Half.com and within an hour I sold it for twice as much as I paid for it.
Silver lining achievement unlocked.
